[picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=painter&iid=5209089″ src=”http://view1.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/5209089/smiling-young-painter/smiling-young-painter.jpg?size=500&imageId=5209089″ width=”234″ height=”156″ /]
Also check out:
1. People who don’t record their deeds:
Hey. Fuck face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a signof real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a fucking favor, and go record the fucking deed.Right. Fucking. Now. Don’t put it in a goddamn drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox. Get your fat lazy ass down to the records office, and record it before I burn your goddamn house down.
2: Wily property sellers:
Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug assclowns, the Police. How about you go down to Doucheacre, and arrest the son of a bitch who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I’m sick of this guy getting away every time he pullsthis shit, and I’m left to sort out the fucking pieces.
3: “Known” arsonists:
Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring “known”arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist, you dipshit? He’s known because he has been fucking caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you! Because they have their shit together. But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your fuckwit moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned thewrong house, and left me with a BAR question.
4: People who back out of conspiracies:
Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you pussy.
5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft:
While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s fucking humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the ass inthe end. Just let the copper go.
6. Fertile Octogenarians:
I think I speak for all of us when I say……Burn the witch! Burn her! And don’t use a “known” arsonist!
7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will:
Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your fucking interest in Scroteacre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning “Dancing withthe Stars.” Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy. Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you Narcissistic old twat, and stop trying to control your property fromthe grave in a vain attempt to make up for your feebleness in life.
8. House Painters:
Just paint the fucking house yourself, Paulson.Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.
9. Bank Mortgages:
Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart abit of sage wisdom.
When someone :
1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,
2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,
3) on a place called Mushacre
4) so she can buy a new hat,
….do NOT fucking come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line. And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other bullshit I don’tunderstand, because the answer is always the same.
D) You are Fucked. Take it like a man.
10. Wanna-be Burglars:
I am sick to death of these slackjawed melon-heads deciding at 2 a.m.that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he”won’t mind” if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night,crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and “borrow it.”And then always the inevitable fucking:
Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery?????? Ohhhhh, no intent!
Let him go, boys. Let the man go. So I can throw the wrench right at his goddamn teeth. Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles (c), that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a shit on his pool table, and sleeping with his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.
11. The Cheap Old Uncle Scenario (courtesy of Patrick from Nuts & Boalts):
If you are entitled to money under some contract, and you want to give your neice a nice birthday present, just cut to the chase and give her a damn present — don’t try to be clever or cheap or whatever by assigning her the benefits of your agreement with someone unrelated third person. It is a pain for the other person in your contract, who doesn’t give a damn about your neice. It is a pain for you, who will still be on the hook for your end of the deal. And it is a pain for your neice when, six months from now, she learns of the contract and builds a house for her boyfriend in reliance . . . only to find out that you are old fashioned and don’t WANT her living with her boyfriend, because he has an earring or tattoo or lesbian parents or whatever. Next thing you know, you are trying to revoke the gift, you are in breach of the contract for some unrelated reason, everyone is suing you, and you are hiring a known arsonist to burn down her new house.
Trust me. Just give her a present and leave it at that.
12. Indecisive Mailer: courtesy of Bob
Please don’t mail your acceptance, then mail a revocation, then call to counter-offer – I mean, can’t you just email?
14. FOB, the SOB: courtesy of Bob
F.O.B., Ex-ship, etc. Please just say who is liable when, what, where, etc. And read your contract before you sign it to make sure it includes everything and anything.
15. Sacrificial lamb chicken: Courtesy of Bob
Why can’t anyone in my city be sacrificing raw chickens for the purpose of religion??
Do you have anymore of these goofy bar exam scenarios? Just want to rant about law school? –send me a message on Twitter: Twitter.com/giannascatchell
If you’re looking for an attractive nuisance, check out my blog Jane of All Trades, which chronicles my life as a lawyer, cocktail server, entrepreneur 🙂
LegallyNoted 
The bar exam is of the Devil. That’s all there is to it.
I agree 110%
kill me
You have two more weeks of studying–then you can booze for the next two months using the “bar exam” as your excuse 🙂 Good luck and let me know if there’s anything I could help you with!
fan-freakin-tastic…. I can’t stop laughing
Haha, yes 😀
This is the best thing I have read in months. Thank you.
That made my day! Thanks for taking a second to let me know! Good luck on the Bar!
A note to the police…just get an f-ing warrant.
Thanks for the laugh break.
Oh I agree! And if only they properly mirandized and people recorded their damn deeds!! Glad to provide you with some comedic relief!
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Another for the list: contract assignments.
If you are entitled to money under some contract, and you want to give your neice a nice birthday present, just cut to the chase and give her a damn present — don’t try to be clever or cheap or whatever by assigning her the benefits of your agreement with someone unrelated third person. It is a pain for the other person in your contract, who doesn’t give a damn about your neice. It is a pain for you, who will still be on the hook for your end of the deal. And it is a pain for your neice when, six months from now, she learns of the contract and builds a house for her boyfriend in reliance . . . only to find out that you are old fashioned and don’t WANT her living with her boyfriend, because he has an earring or tattoo or lesbian parents or whatever. Next thing you know, you are trying to revoke the gift, you are in breach of the contract for some unrelated reason, everyone is suing you, and you are hiring a known arsonist to burn down her new house.
Trust me. Just give her a present and leave it at that.
Haha that’s fantastic!! Thanks for Adding!! BTW–I love the Nuts & Boalts blog 🙂
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Gianna – you rock!!
A couple to add:
Mailing an acceptance: please don’t mail your acceptance, then mail a revocation, then call to counter-offer – I mean, can’t you just email?
F.O.B., Ex-ship, etc. Please just say who is liable when, what, where, etc. And read your contract before you sign it to make sure it includes everything and anything.
And why can’t anyone in my city be sacrificing raw chickens for the purpose of religion??
Thanks so much Bob! I’ll add them now!
HILARIOUS…even more so than the meltdown I’ll have in October when I find out I failed the Bar. Thanks for the laughs.
11 more days of this…
You will be fine, hang in there. If you put your time in, you will pass. Unlike all the other exams from law school, you just need a D–so keep that in mind . And in 11 days, you have 2 full months of partying before the results–enjoy it! For me, it ended up being one of the funnest summers I had 😉
And for bar examiners, don’t try to be cute & “Law & Order” by ripping off fact patterns from the headlines.
“Anna Nicole, a movie star, is set to receive a colossal inheritance from the estate of her husband – Pierce. Anna could really use the money as she is the mother of a young daughter – Danny. However, before she could collect her inheritance, Anna dies. Danny is the only child of her mother, as her brother pre-deceased her. The executor of Pierce’s estate refuses to pay the inheritance to Danny, absent a court order.
Howard, Anna’s most recent boyfriend, files suit seeking to be appointed Danny’s Guardian Ad Litem. Larry, a former boyfriend of Anna, claims paternity and intervenes in the suit filed by Howard, asking the court to appoint him as Danny’s Guardian Ad Litem.
The parties, at a pre-trial conference with the judge, outline the evidence they will seek to introduce.
Howard wants to offer the testimony of Danny, who will say that her mother told her: “Howard is your daddy.” Howard also wants to offer in evidence a copy of a birth certificate form completed by him and Anna but never filed. Howard wants to introduce evidence that Larry pled nolo contendere to a charge of extortion two years ago.
Larry wants to testify that Anna called him six months before Danny was born, told him she was pregnant, and asked: “Are you ready to be a daddy?” Larry also wants to testify that Howard said to him “I will give you 25% of the inheritance, if you drop your paternity case.” Larry also wants to introduce testimony of Chauffeur that Anna said she was “totally exhausted by lying to Danny about Larry.”
You are the law clerk to the judge and are assigned to write a memorandum advising the judge how the evidentiary issues raised by the parties should be resolved and why.
Prepare the memorandum.”
http://www.njbarexams.org/exam/oldexamsjuly2007.htm#Essay_Question_5_-_Evidence
I’m crying. This is so goddamn funny. Thank you, just got back from studying and read this.
So glad it gave you a break from the madness! Good luck!
A few years later and this stuff still cracks me up!
Me too! Brings back bad memories. Eyetwitches, stress, etc. etc.
Cross-Examining Defendant’s Character Witness:
So you say the defendant is a “peaceful guy”? Did you know that he punched out a clown at a child’s birthday party, attempted to strangle the birthday girl with a piñata string, and proceeded to cover himself in marmalade and jump in the kiddie pool while hysterically laughing at the crying children?
Oh, I apologize your honor. I agree, let’s strike that last part.
Ha! So true
Cross-Examining Defendant’s Character Witness:
So you say the defendant is a “peaceful guy”? Did you know that he punched out a clown at a child’s birthday party, attempted to strangle the birthday girl with a piñata string, and proceeded to cover himself in marmalade and jump in the kiddie pool while hysterically laughing at the crying children?
Oh, I apologize your honor. I agree, let’s strike that last part. After all, my purpose was only to test the witness’s knowledge, wasn’t trying to say the defendant did something similar at the new victim’s birthday.
Cross-Examining Defendant’s Character Witness:
So you say the defendant is a “peaceful guy”? Did you know that he punched out a clown at a child’s birthday party, attempted to strangle the birthday girl with a piñata string, and proceeded to cover himself in marmalade and jump in the kiddie pool while hysterically laughing at the crying children?
Oh, I apologize your honor. I agree, let’s strike that last part. After all, I was only trying to test the witness’s knowledge, I wasn’t trying to say the defendant is a douchebag who was a douche before and was probably a douche again.
Propensity Evidence in a Sex Crime:
Let me tell you somethin’ bandejo. You tryin to use propensity evidence against me in a sex crime trial? That is laughable, ha. That’s some bush-league consistency man. It don’t matter, I was gonna call a character witness anyway. Nobody fucks wit da Jesus.
I’m studying LLB Law in England and I can relate to every single one of these. 🙂
When is your test? Good luck studying 😉
YES YES YES!
Thanks for all the comments. They’re great–keep ’em coming 😉
My favorite is the 11th Commandment exception – Thou shall not discriminate on the basis of alienage ever!….EXCEPT if you are hiring teachers. For they are the all important enforcers of public policy. Who knows what kind of anarchy would exists if our elementary/high school teachers weren’t naturalized citizens. We would all be little terrorist running around trying to blow stuff up if it weren’t for Ms. Jenkins in 5th Grade. Can’t we just agree that discrimination is bad? How about you find some other, valid reason not to hire Bill from Pakistan.
So so true!! I might have to do a part 2 to this–these comments are amazing!
Absolutely hilarious. Although I think my wife will be even more pissed now because I just got a little more jaded – and I was already in the 5th or 6th circle of hell on the jaded meter.
Good luck all – and if you are taking the Michigan Bar Exam, I will be that guy at The Nuthouse 30 minutes after the exam on the 28th passed out at the bar with shotglasses strewn everywhere – stop and say hi :).
I know the feeling. The day before the exam i felt like my head might do 360 degree turns like the exorcist! Trust me the day after the bar hangover is the best f-ing hangover you’ll ever have! The headache and nausea are laced with relief–it’s actually kind of Zen.
Torts…..most law students don’t know what the fuck a tort is, let alone a lay person. However, law school has taught me that most people only cry tort when they are huge fucking babies – e.g. “So and so told so and so I’m a whore. That’s defamation!” Honey, truth is an absolute defense. Or, “Little Suzie intentionally rode her Rainbow Brite 3-wheeler at me and I was in such apprehension of an immediate contact I dove into the street, where a car going 10 mph grazed me because they were negligently texting (SO UNLIKE every party’s pooper: the reasonably prudent person) and now I want to sue Suzie, her parents, and the driver!” Hey pervert….why the fuck were you watching little Suzie to begin with? She probably saw you on Megan’s Law and was acting in self-defense! Basically, I’m sick of missing issues because I am not a huge fucking baby and I just don’t see how or why some worthless POS named Vagine is going to sue for false imprisonment because some drunk frat guy named Dick thought it would be funny to lock him in a porta-potty without his pants in the middle of a party….or why Polly is going to sue because she slipped on lube at the “tupperware party” you were hosting….people, get over it! Final thought on torts: when “2 Girls One Cup” goes viral….THERE ISN’T MUCH THAT IS SO OUTRAGEOUS AS TO SHOCK OUR CONSCIENCE ANYMORE.
So so true! Hilarious! And that 2 girls one cup might have been the grossest thing I’ve ever seen!
toooooooo funny! thanks for the laughs Gianna!
Anytime 😉
Great points. Many years on, and it still comes through sharp and clear. I’ve often thought the real way to torture a lawyer would be to tie them to a chair in a dark room, shine a flashlight under my chin, and recite, “No interest is good unless it must vest …..”
When studying for my state bar, I stumbled across a section of state law that specified the property exempt from seizure for a debt. The law probably dated back to the 1600’s, and had just been added to bit by bit over the years. I thought it was so hilarious I decided that, come hell or high water, I was going to recite it on the bar exam. Somehow.
And I did! On a stupid contracts Q (in which some imbecile delivery guy leaves several hundred pounds of fresh strawberries on the loading dock of a closed business in sweltering heat), I finished my essay with the flourish that, even if judgment were levied against so-and-so, personal property not attachable by the court included, “two cows, twelve sheep, two swine, four tons of hay, the family pew in a house of public worship, boats, fishing tackle and nets …”
I swear that was the only thing that got me through it.
Ahhh venting interests! Do you have a copy of this law? I’d love to see it and maybe you it as inspiration for a future post. Thanks Joyce!
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Thanks for the mention!
People who hate pens
Seriously? You agreed! Write it down. Get a receipt. Get something. Save me the hassle of figuring out whether you can enforce an oral promise there is little to no proof of. Before you leave write it. I don’t want to have to suspend belief that you can build 5,000 houses in a year. I don’t want to have to say that the employer can screw you at law, but not equity, because you couldn’t write your five year employment contract down. Yeah you paid installment contracts to buy a house but couldn’t get it in writing. So it looks like you could have leased it. Tough luck kid.
Also, get the terms right. Determining what the terms are is a royal headache when a party wants to modify the terms. Sneaky merchants and your overnight mailings 11 days prior to performance drive me crazy. Is it material? Ahhh…
Typos in contracts
For that matter, write it correctly. Don’t miscalculate. Don’t call up the other party and say you need more money or can’t afford to pay. Just bite the bullet and pay. Double check your work. Lesson learned.
Some adapted from here. http://abitbedlam.posterous.com/bar-review-stress-release
Firing people right before they perform
So Mr. Painter is 95% done with the house and you fire him and give some sob story. Now you don’t want to pay because he didn’t finish painting the ceiling of the bedroom closet because you fired him. Tough. Pay.
That being said, fire the painter sooner if he’s painting your house the wrong color. Seriously, you should at least watch people as they work. Painters, make sure you are painting using the right color.
People who swap loaded guns for play guns in theatres
Come on. Leave loaded guns where people actually have to plan to kill each other. Make our lives easier
People who don’t know that their gift is stolen property. Wise up already. No one affords fur in this economy. Check the pockets to see if stolen shit is inside before you accept the coat. Oh yeah, that would screw you… well you’re screwing me by leaving the bar problem.
Moronic State Legislatures
Can’t read the commerce clause, State of Minton? No you cannot tax goods from the other United States no matter how bad their policies are. You cannot tax goods from Canada or other countries either. No you can’t try to overrule federal law and your laws are gone if the feds intervene. You cannot make a rule stating citizens of Minton can only buy goods made in Minton. Don’t like it. Deal with it.
These are great! Thanks Titus–thinking of doing a part II to this post 🙂
could have certainly been more creative, plus i have no idea what a “known” arson is, am i going to fail? regarding your #1, wouldn’t burning is house down be an arson, aren’t you part of the problem?
Before I began bar prep, I had no idea coat theft was such a rampant problem. I’m going to practice coat law… Coat larceny, coat conversion, receiving stolen coats, etc.
How about this one:
Please Don’t bring your pet grizzly bear to the park, the shopping mall, the grocery, or the town square to put on his juggling act or whatever other plate spinning side show you have taught him. Better yet, don’t own a pet grizzly bear you numbnuts.
It ALWAYS goes wrong.
Dont you know that we are sick of deciding whether the injury to the lady two blocks over because your bear dropped a spinning plate while standing on a milk carton was the proximate cause; or, whether the little kid who got his eye poked when the bear took off running because hes sick of working with you at the WalMart on Saturday afternoons for change is the type of injury you expect to see from your sideshow grizzly bear.
That is too funny. What is that all about?? So stupid and annoying.
It’s about strict liability for dangerous animals, even if they are pets. It’s a category based on animals NOT how dangerous they actually are (until they harm someone). Bears, lions, tigers, etc are all dangerous as a matter of law. Therefore strict liability attaches. Cats and dogs are a lesser standard unless the owner has reason to know they are dangerous (i.e. a trained attack dog). Well that’s the law in Ohio anyway.
The two blocks down injury is probably Helen Palsgraf rearing her ugly head.
Sorry, but the First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas is too big too fail. Why do you think they made the loan in the first place?
Sadly, you’re right!
Dear William the Conqueror,
Your need to control your subjects has ruined my week.
Sincerely,
Everyone
Hilarious!
i got a question wrong because i didn’t think a business woman throwing hot coffee on a homeless man for yelling at her was justified under the circumstances. no wonder lawyers are suck dicks…
Dear Local Grocer
The next time you take a check signed by 12 people with signatures crossed out, words changed, or numbers changed you should have to pay for your ignorance of hiring someone that apparently doesn’t know what an ID is. Seriously, CHECK IT. I’m tired of having to figure out which indorser is liable for your screw ups. Most likely if they are cashing a check at your store it’s forged. Now fire the nit wit that accepted the check. And NO you are not a holder in due course. Quit complaining about not getting paid. Your fault…you lose…end of story.
Well put! Those were the worst to study for. Well, aside fro secured transactions!
Thank god I took the bar in the only state that doesn’t recognize vesting interests. It’s either in trust, or you own it, or you don’t. And if you own it, you can own the right to use the property, the right to collect rents, and/or the right to sell it. Pure race recording- if it’s not recorded, it never happened.
I might have to take a common law bar next year. Why the hell is it so complicated everywhere else? I’ll probably just skip property.
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Thanks so much for the great feedback! Somehow your message ended up in the spam filter–so I apologize it took forever to respond!
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Amazing. I’m only 10 days into Barbri, but I find lots of humor in this. Lots.
Gianna,
Thank you SO MUCH for the much needed laughter. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. I’m taking the bar in NY so we have so much convoluted crap. Like commercial paper and secured transactions. Do I seriously have to know what each line on a check means? Can’t we all just accept that checks are the vinyl record of the transaction industry and should be kept on the same shelf as those vinyl records to collect dust? But, checks are fun to write awkward things in the “memo” part.
That is awesome. I laughed my ass off, and I took my Bars years ago!
If you start to rescue someone who’s drowning, don’t give up to go watch Dancing with the Stars. You don’t want a jury to have to decide whether you left the poor slob in a worse position because of your attempt. Don’t be a lazy jerk. Finish the job!
Accommodations:
If I order 100 pairs of white gloves, don’t send me 40 pairs of white gloves, 25 pairs of blue gloves, 15 pairs of red gloves, 10 pairs of green gloves, five pairs of polka-dotted gloves and five pairs of freddy kreuger gloves and enclose a “note” letting me know you are trying to “accommodate” me. Just effing pick up the telephone and call me before you do something that stupid. The bar exam is like a really boring novel about a bunch of assholes who live in a time before modern communications.